Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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