It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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