Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
