then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
