Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
