the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
