Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
