I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
