Need sex. Gaining weight.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Your cock deserves a montage
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
