I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
