she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
