do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
