i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
