no, he came in my armpit
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
