imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
