This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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