We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
