i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
