i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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