We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
