No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
