Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy