Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
