Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize