Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
