Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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