there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
