why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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