She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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