I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
