I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
