he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
