I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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