Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
