So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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