My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
