i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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