if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
