So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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