I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
