i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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