You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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