Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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