I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
