Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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