Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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