you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
