I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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