Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
