Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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