Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
