Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
