I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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