when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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