Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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