My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
