You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
