I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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